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Today is International Fetish Day! It’s observed on the third Friday of January each year. It’s purpose is to create awarness around the BDSM/Fetish community while opposing the UK law criminalizing posession of extreme pornography.

But a fetish is not just about whips and chains. The Meriam Webster Dictionary gives the following brief history of the term Fetish:

When fetish first appeared in English in the early 17th century, it referred to objects (often amulets) believed by certain West Africans to have supernatural powers. During the 19th century, the word took on a broader meaning: “an object of irrational devotion or reverence.” The object need not be physical: a person may have a fetish for an idea, such as an unwarranted belief that a particular economic system will solve society’s ills. By the early 20th century, fetish took on yet another meaning quite distinct from its antecedents: a sexualized desire for an object (such as a shoe) or for a body part that is not directly related to the reproductive act (such as an earlobe).

What’s your fetish? Mine is pecs….mmmm…pecs. Oh, and floggers…and sex toys…and cuffs…and…Oh who am I kidding. All the things. Tonight we celebrate. Viva la fetish!

Citation: “Fetish.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fetish. Accessed 15 Jan. 2021.

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I think most of us would agree that hugs just feel good. The Chakra Hug is like a superpowered hug on steroids. And, with the current COVID crisis, I can’t think of a time when we need this more.

Sit with your partner in the Tantra “Yam Yum” pose pictured below. Arms wrapped around each other. Foreheads touching, noses touching, chest touching and solar plexus touching. Stay in this pose for 2 minutes focusing on your breath. One partner breathes out while the other partner breathes in.

Commit to doing this with your partner for two minutes daily for one week and talk about how it made you feel and what benefits it brought to your intimate relationship.

Hugs heal. They boost oxytocin – the bonding hormone. This helps to heal sickness, depression, feelings of loneliness, anxiety and stress, and creates intimacy within the relationship. Holding hugs for extended periods can lift serotonin levels increasing feelings of safety and happiness.

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Slutty Science

Kissing releases a chemical cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin and seratonin. These feel good hormones can improve relationship satisfaction, lower cholestorol and even aleviate anxiety by lowering your cortisol levels.

Plus, kissing passionately can burn 2-26 calories per minute!

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Complete this questionnaire to find out your love style and your love style match. Canadian Psychologist John Alan Lee, proposed that there are in fact SIX different styles of love – EROS (romantic), LUDOS (conquest), STORGE (friendship), PRAGMA (practical), MANIA (obsession), AGAPE (selflessness). Knowing your love style will help you understand and communicate around common topics such as jealousy and intimacy.

Learn more about the SIX love styles here.

The Colour Wheel of Love by John Alan Lee.

Image source: Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Color_wheel_theory_of_love

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You would never assume how someone likes their coffee so why would you assume you know how they like to be touched? Ask…don’t assume.

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An Ontario Court has ruled that a man who had unprotected sex after agreeing to wear a condom committed sexual assault because his behaviour invalidated his sexual partner’s consent.

This is a win for Canada and a win for consent culture!

Read the full article by CBC here.

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Sex is a leading reason why relationships fail.

Why?

Because you don’t know what you’re doing.

But why would you?

Did you take a course? Did you join a program?  Do you have a master’s degree in sexuality?  If you’re like most, probably not.  And even if you did, no amount of formal training would negate the fundamental truth that every body is completely different.

The only way to truly master the art of sex is to set aside your ego, clear the slate and communicate openly with your partner.

  1. Ask questions.
  2. Listen Intently without Ego.
  3. Practice.
  4. Repeat.

But that’s not as easy as it sounds.  Asking questions is admitting that you don’t know the answers.  But here’s a newsflash…neither does anyone else.

Because we’re all different.  And what works for one may not work for many.

But what if I told you that mastering the art of sex is just like learning how to swim?

You have an expert coach and mentor on deck.  That’s your partner.  You can ask your coach any question about swimming because they are the SME (subject matter expert).  After hearing the lesson, you dip a toe in the pool.  Try treading water.  You learn the dog paddle.  Maybe you make a few mistakes along the way.  But you keep asking questions.  And before you know it, you’ve entered a swim meet, you’re doing the butterfly and your coach is loudly cheering you on as you expertly cross the finish line wet, glistening and out of breath.

And, regardless of who is the coach and who is the student, you both have an important role to play.  You are equally responsible for achieving a positive outcome.  And you should both practice playing each role.

As the student, you must let go of your ego and embrace your fears.  Accept that you don’t know how to swim and listen to your coach.  Otherwise, your EGO will get the best of you and you’ll either avoid swimming altogether or you’ll jump right into the deep end and look like a flailing, sputtering, drowned rat.   Once you’ve truly embraced that you don’t know what you’re doing because every body is different, you’re ready for your first lesson.  It starts with an ask.  What do you like?  What feels good?  How would you like me to do that?

Ask.  Listen. Practice. Repeat.

Don’t judge.  Don’t criticize.

And as the coach, you are responsible for designing the lesson plan (like a desire map) and communicating it in an honest and loving way.  You could provide feedback like “I love it when you…”, or “I appreciate that you do……………. but it just isn’t for me”, or “I was reading about…”.

Create safe space

Don’t judge.  Don’t criticize.

The sooner we can embrace that we don’t know what we’re doing, the sooner we will become better lovers, better partners and better friends.

And in the words of one of my favorite authors, Esther Perel, consider this… “The myth that sex is natural has done harm to so many people because it presumes that you should just know rather than the fact that it is something that we learn to appreciate…to experience…we cultivate it.  It’s an art.  And if we think it should just happen naturally…then we remain ignorant.” ~ Perel, Esther “I’ve had better” Where Should We Begin (podcast) https://www.estherperel.com/podcast

couple lying on ground while holding their hands

Photo by Moises Solorzano on Pexels.com

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Just watched an incredibly powerful TEDX as Juno Mac makes a case for the decriminalization of sex work.

In just under 18 minutes, she nailed it! Well done and worth the share.

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This makes me so proud to be Canadian…Gushing!

Read full article here…

 

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Tonight, while watching the National News, I almost fell off my chair when they featured a segment exploring the legal rights of consenting adults in polyamorous relationships.   The segment acknowledged that  “at some point we’re going to have a charter challenge much like we saw in 2003 with same-sex marriage.”

This alone is cause for celebration.  You know times are changing and attitudes are changing too when one of Canada’s most respected national news programs presents a segment on the legal rights of polyamorous adults in a non-sensationalized, insightful manner.

The time for a utopian future that positively acknowledges relationships beyond monogamy is nigh!

For the full article, visit: http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/polyamorous-families-legal-challenges-1.3758621

 

 

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