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consentToday, I attended a Consent Workshop by The Consent Crew. There were some interesting discussions amongst the attendees and organizers about some great topics.  I want to reiterate some of the points that I feel are most relevant based on my experiences over the past two decades.

IT’S OK TO SAY NO

How many of you are guilty of trying to giggle your way out of an uncomfortable situation just to be polite?  And how many of you have compromised your own boundaries just to wake up the next morning filled with regret?  Western cultural values have taught us to be excessively polite, but that shouldn’t be at the cost of your own personal boundaries.  If somebody is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say no.  And, although you don’t have to justify your reason for saying no, saying it in a way that is polite and respectful will go a long way towards diffusing what could become a confrontational situation over hurt feelings.  Here are some of my favourite ways to say no:

  • No thank you (smile on face).
  • Thanks for offering but not at this time.
  • I’m not into that, but thanks anyway.
  • You seem like a great person but I’m not interested. Thanks anyway.

 

IT’S OK TO HEAR NO

When you hear no, you may feel hurt, rejected and generally bad.  Why?  Because our culture has taught us that “no” is a bad word when in reality, “no” is just somebody’s way of expressing their own personal boundaries.  Usually, the no you are hearing has very little to do with you and everything to do with the person saying it.  Perhaps they are there for a different reason than you.  Maybe the timing is just off.  Or, it could be as simple as they like blonds, and you’re a brunette.  Whatever the reason, remind yourself…“getting a no is no big deal”.   Here are some of my favorite ways to respond gracefully to “no”:

  • I’m not hearing a clear yes so I’ll take that as a no.
  • No problem.
  • Thanks for letting me know. I appreciating knowing your boundary.
  • Thanks anyway.

 

GET CONSENT

Obvious right?  Easier said than done.  Consent is complicated.  Often, expectations surrounding consent are firmly rooted in cultural values, gender values, family values, or even the environment we are in at the time.  At Club Eden, the expectations are framed by the use of signage, marketing, and agreements.  This is a great foundation for consent.  But even with all of this, there is still room for interpretation based on an individual’s unique perspective formed over the course of a lifetime.  This is why it is also important to say no when you feel like your personal boundaries are being compromised.  In my experience, most people want to do the right thing and DON’T want to maliciously or deliberately compromise your boundaries.  They just don’t realize they are doing it.   Here is one of my favorite personal stories to reflect how cultural expectations can create a misalignment between boundaries:

While working in an office environment, one of the long term vendors and friends of the owner approached me saying “it’s nice to finally meet you”.  He then stepped in and gave me a hug and then a kiss on my left and right cheek.   My background is British and back then, I was a bit of a cold fish.  His background is South American and to not step in with a light hug and kiss on the cheeks would be considered an insult.  He didn’t get my consent but conversely, because of his cultural values, he didn’t think he had to.   This illustrates a great example of how easily consent boundaries can be accidentally crossed.

When at Eden, remember these four points to help you navigate consent:

  1. Play within the rules of the framework provided (signs, agreements, marketing messages).
  2. Politely say no when your boundaries are being crossed;
  3. Politely hear/accept no when somebody tells you.
  4. If your no is not being heard, then it’s ok to find the organizer or one of the staff to help you diffuse the situation.

When attending other sex positive events remember to familiarize yourself with their unique framework.

I hope this article helps you find your voice for consent.  Play safe, have fun and respect your own boundaries and the boundaries of others.

Eve, Founder of Club Eden and Co-author of Sex Get Over It

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After giving a blow job, my mouth can get sore inside from rubbing on my teeth, is there any type of inner mouth protection…lol, or do i just do it more carefully so that my lips don’t ever close over my teeth?
Thanks for your insight!

Curious

Dear Curious:

Well, wearing a mouth guard might work, but it’ doesn’t strike me as particularly sexy.

Try changing your position to create a better angle.  For example, having your partner sit down on a chair in front of you while you are on your knees in front of him gives you the greatest amount of control when giving head.  This may allow you to open your mouth more so your lips don’t curl around your teeth.    In addition, keep in mind that the greatest amount of pleasure and sensation is around the head of the penis so unless you’re practiced in deep thoating, you don’t really need need to run your lips or teeth down the shaft of the penis.  Keep your mouth, lips and tongue focused on the head and use your hand to massage the shaft.

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Hello, I have recently learned that I can squirt, and I’m wondering what are the things that women love most about  it? (because it didn’t happen while I was orgasming) I’m still not sure if I like it yet…am I missing something?

Curious

Dear Curious:
Squirting is different for everyone.  Some RAVE about it and describe it in legendary terms…the Holy Grail of sex so to speak.  While others can take it or leave it.  Those that love it describe it as more of a deep, full body orgasm vs a clitoral orgasm which is generally more like an intense short burst.  Those that can take it or leave it can do without the extra laundry that comes with the clean up.

Honestly, don’t worry about what other women love about it.  Just focus on whether it feels good for you.  Just be sure to try it a few times as you might find it gets better as you become more comfortable with it.  Over time, you may even learn to control it which can actually be kind of fun – and who says great sex can’t come with a few laughs along the way.

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Without question one of the most popular fantasies amongst our readers is a threesome. For whatever reason, this is the fantasy that appears safest and easiest to comprehend and therefore the one many choose to explore first.

If you are looking to fulfill a Threesome fantasy, remember that it is possible that the play partner you’re interested in is attached to someone.  Convincing that fantasy partner to join you and your partner for a ménage-a-trois may be tricky business.  While there are couples that are OK playing apart or having different play opportunities, the last thing you want to do is make their partner feel like they aren’t good enough to participate or that they “just don’t do it” for you.

Before approaching a prospective threesome play partner, rehearse your “pick-up” lines first and ask yourself how you would feel if you were approached in this manner.  Remember to always focus on the positive/sexy aspects of what does work for you rather than pointing out what doesn’t work for you about the other person, or if you’re new to the scene, simply stick to the facts by communicating your limits and where you’re at.

Consider the following statements when negotiating a threesome fantasy:

(assume some flirting and conversation has already occurred to break the ice and you’re now ready to propose/negotiate your fantasy)

Statement A:
My partner and I are really turned on by you (looking at female partner) and would love to play together.   We’re just not sure we’re attracted to your partner.  Do you (female partner) want to go upstairs for a threesome?

Statement B:
My partner and I find you to be a very sexy couple.  We would love to head upstairs together, however, we’re not sure that we’re ready for a foursome quite yet.  We’re wondering whether or not the two of you play separately or only together?

In statement A, there is a good chance that you may offend the male partner and that he will feel excluded.
In statement B, there is a much better chance that both partners will feel included and sexy, plus, you are able to communicate your fantasy in a non-threatening way by asking about the other couple’s play styles.

If someone were to approach you and your partner for a threesome, which statement would you rather hear?  If you chose option A, then you’re on the road to creating a long list of offences.  If you chose option B, then you’re well on your way to fulfilling your fantasy of a threesome, and making new friends.  Just be sure to try this approach during your next encounter and of course…have fun!

Follow up feedback worth sharing…

We recently received the following additional suggestion from one of our readers and thought it was worth sharing.  Thanks NinjaCouple!

“I enjoyed your sex ed post regarding threesomes company… and Tricky Business. I wanted to provide some of my own possible advice as approaching someone inside a couple is difficult but I’ve successfully worked this situation before and think this tactic could help others out there. As you’ve stated, you don’t want to alienate or offend the fourth partner especially as it will generally ruin your ability to fulfill this fantasy. My recommendation would be to add a third way to approach this situation… when approaching someone who is part of a couple and only wanting the threesome for whatever reason I would suggest inviting that fourth person but to be an observer. Many times a foursome is enjoyable for some not just to play but watching their partner be pleasured… Why not invite them to watch their partner in a threesome fantasy show? This includes him, allows him to be in the room and near his partner and provide some added comfort while also not physically including the extra person until you’re ready for that experience. Just my thoughts on experiences I have had and some possible ways to improve the likelihood of fulfilling this fantasy.   Have a great night –NinjaCouple

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Our new ‘spicy’ podcasts are on the way!
Each week – beginning Feb. 8th – I will guide you through lively discussions, candid commentary, and decadent discoveries as we journey towards our best – and hottest – relationships.
It’s a show for you – education to enhance your world.
I’m excited. In our first few episodes an exotic dancer exposes her world, we learn that guys REALLY do want to please their partners, a web-cam girl tells us how couples can use their own web cams to add some serious spice to their menu, and I get closer to making a decision in the ‘to pierce, or not to pierce‘ debate.
A spoonful of sugar – and a dash of spice – it’s your weekly dose of everything sexy.

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With the holiday merriment behind us, many of us set our sites on the new year, and of course the consideration of new year’s resolutions…lose weight, quit smoking, drink less – most likely the same resolutions you set the year before, and the year before that.  All with good intentions, until of course, life normalizes and you find an excuse to toss the resolutions out the window and return to the blissful monotony of comfortable old habits.

This year, instead of focusing on the typical, hum drum new year’s resolutions…why not focus on something a little more fun, titillating and adventurous (not to mention, good exercise)….SEX!

So alas, I put together a three part series on my top resolutions to add more spice to your sex life…starting with “Top 10 naughty resolutions for 2009″…(insert drumroll here)

#10. Take sexy pictures of yourself and send them to your lover.

#9.  Perform a private lap dance for your partner…hell if Jamie Lee Curtis can do it for Arnold Schwarzenegger then so can you.

#8. Cook dinner for your partner while wearing something seductive.  For the record…gentlemen, if you haven’t already figured it out, most women LOVE a man who cooks.

#7. Visit a strip club with your partner.  Be sure to sit in Gyno row…and for god sakes, don’t heckle the dancers.  Just appreciate the sensual moves and atmosphere and maybe even have some fun sharing your fantasies.

#6. Have sex at an unexpected location (or time).  And no, I don’t just mean the kitchen table (although that’s a good start if you’re new sexplorers).  Take it out of the house…join the mile high club, back seat of the sports car, in the woods, etc.

#5.  Write your partner an erotic story, send it to them in an email and then act it out in real life.

#4. Surprise your partner by participating in their favourite pastime with them.  For example, plan a  private hockey party at home.  Order in pizza, beer, and even put on his team jersey (with only a pair of sexy panties of course).

#3. Set an actual date night for just the two of you at least 1-2 times/month and stick with it.

#2. Act out one naughty NEW fantasy for your partner each month.  If you’re looking for inspiration, check out one of my favourite websites: http://www.literotica.com.

And the number one Naughty New Year’s resolution

Treat your partner to a night of pure, sexual pleasure, exclusively for them.  It may seem a little unbalanced, but trust me…this will be a great investment in your sex life as it will empower them to completely explore their sexual god or goddess and let go of any inhibitions they may be harboring.   Even if they try to turn the tables and make it about you, do not let them…under any circumstances or you’ll be back to square one.  Plan at least a couple of hours of indulgence.   Start by relaxing them with a full body, aromatic oil massage or hot bubble bath complete with champagne and candles.   Have fun finding all their erogenous zones.  Kiss them from head to toe.  Blindfold them and feed them chocolate, strawberries and champagne.  Then pull out all the stops until they beg you for sweet release.  This will be a resolution that neither of you will ever forget…and of course, you’ll love it when your partner returns the favour…

Stay tuned for part II…”Top 10 Romantic Resolutions for 2009″.

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