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Posts Tagged ‘Sex Advice’

consentToday, I attended a Consent Workshop by The Consent Crew. There were some interesting discussions amongst the attendees and organizers about some great topics.  I want to reiterate some of the points that I feel are most relevant based on my experiences over the past two decades.

IT’S OK TO SAY NO

How many of you are guilty of trying to giggle your way out of an uncomfortable situation just to be polite?  And how many of you have compromised your own boundaries just to wake up the next morning filled with regret?  Western cultural values have taught us to be excessively polite, but that shouldn’t be at the cost of your own personal boundaries.  If somebody is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say no.  And, although you don’t have to justify your reason for saying no, saying it in a way that is polite and respectful will go a long way towards diffusing what could become a confrontational situation over hurt feelings.  Here are some of my favourite ways to say no:

  • No thank you (smile on face).
  • Thanks for offering but not at this time.
  • I’m not into that, but thanks anyway.
  • You seem like a great person but I’m not interested. Thanks anyway.

 

IT’S OK TO HEAR NO

When you hear no, you may feel hurt, rejected and generally bad.  Why?  Because our culture has taught us that “no” is a bad word when in reality, “no” is just somebody’s way of expressing their own personal boundaries.  Usually, the no you are hearing has very little to do with you and everything to do with the person saying it.  Perhaps they are there for a different reason than you.  Maybe the timing is just off.  Or, it could be as simple as they like blonds, and you’re a brunette.  Whatever the reason, remind yourself…“getting a no is no big deal”.   Here are some of my favorite ways to respond gracefully to “no”:

  • I’m not hearing a clear yes so I’ll take that as a no.
  • No problem.
  • Thanks for letting me know. I appreciating knowing your boundary.
  • Thanks anyway.

 

GET CONSENT

Obvious right?  Easier said than done.  Consent is complicated.  Often, expectations surrounding consent are firmly rooted in cultural values, gender values, family values, or even the environment we are in at the time.  At Club Eden, the expectations are framed by the use of signage, marketing, and agreements.  This is a great foundation for consent.  But even with all of this, there is still room for interpretation based on an individual’s unique perspective formed over the course of a lifetime.  This is why it is also important to say no when you feel like your personal boundaries are being compromised.  In my experience, most people want to do the right thing and DON’T want to maliciously or deliberately compromise your boundaries.  They just don’t realize they are doing it.   Here is one of my favorite personal stories to reflect how cultural expectations can create a misalignment between boundaries:

While working in an office environment, one of the long term vendors and friends of the owner approached me saying “it’s nice to finally meet you”.  He then stepped in and gave me a hug and then a kiss on my left and right cheek.   My background is British and back then, I was a bit of a cold fish.  His background is South American and to not step in with a light hug and kiss on the cheeks would be considered an insult.  He didn’t get my consent but conversely, because of his cultural values, he didn’t think he had to.   This illustrates a great example of how easily consent boundaries can be accidentally crossed.

When at Eden, remember these four points to help you navigate consent:

  1. Play within the rules of the framework provided (signs, agreements, marketing messages).
  2. Politely say no when your boundaries are being crossed;
  3. Politely hear/accept no when somebody tells you.
  4. If your no is not being heard, then it’s ok to find the organizer or one of the staff to help you diffuse the situation.

When attending other sex positive events remember to familiarize yourself with their unique framework.

I hope this article helps you find your voice for consent.  Play safe, have fun and respect your own boundaries and the boundaries of others.

Eve, Founder of Club Eden and Co-author of Sex Get Over It

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Cherry50mlAdmittedly, I’m not much of a lube loyalist.  I’ve always felt that lube serves an important purpose between the sheets, but that pretty much any brand will do, and that it’s likely to come with a sticky residue and “plasticky” aftertaste.
So when I was given a chance to “field test” the new Durex Line of “play” lubes, I wasn’t exactly expecting fireworks.  But the new Durex line of lubes not only surprised me, it impressed me.  Durex managed to create not one, but four new lubes that taste great, and don’t leave that typical sticky residue.
For oral play, the “very cherry” and “pina colada” (yes, even the pina colada) flavors actually taste just like candy…even though they’re sugar free.  And for the complete ride, “tingle” and “heat” add just enough sensation to satisfy.  All four glide on smooth and stay that way, even during extended play when other lubes just dry up, or turn into a sticky, gooey mess.  And keeping safety top of mind, they’re water soluble making them safe to use with condoms.
So when you’re planning your next sexy adventure, I recommend picking up a tube of Durex Play lube, or even a variety pack and have fun trying all the flavors and sensations.  The packs are small and discreet so you can hide them away easily until just the right moment.
In the world of sex, lube always seems like the poorer cousin when compared to the next best vibrating, spinning, pop goes the weasel toy.  But for a fraction of the cost, the right lube can knock your next sexy adventure out of the park.   In my books, you can’t enjoy the ride without the glide and Durex Play lubes are definitely worth a try!

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Durex_Play_VibIf you’re looking to add a little spontaneous extra zip to your play time, check out the NEW play vibrations disposable vibrating pleasure ring by Durex.

The sugar and spice…
Like many off the shelf cock rings, the Durex Play Vibrations Pleasure ring is designed to keep him standing at attention for extended foreplay.  At the same time, the built in, mini-vibrating bullet can get her there just a little more quickly so that hopefully, you both arrive at the finish line at the same time.    According to hubby, he found the thin band and sleek design to be a very comfortable fit while the vibrating mini-bullet added to his pleasure.  For me, the mini-vibrating bullet added a little extra clitoral stimulation if it happened to land on just the right spot at just the right time.  But admittedly, it’s hard to enjoy the full benefits of a vibrating toy without more constant application and stimulation.

The combination of the cock ring for extended play and mini-vibe for enhanced pleasure  kept him on the edge until just the right moment when we could both climax at the same time, creating a more intimate and connected experience.

Unlike other similar products, the best thing about the Durex Play Vibrations Pleasure Ring is accessibility.  Picking up a pack is as simple as a trip down the condom aisle of your local Walmart store, making it a great way to add in a little spontaneous, last minute spice.  You can pick up a pack during your weekly shopping trip, or simply stop in on your way home from work and surprise your partner with a sensational little extra.

The advice…
This is a great little product that packs a powerful punch and comes from a brand you can trust.  But at approx. $13 bucks CDN, it’s pretty pricey, given the disposable nature and 20 minute lifespan. Not sure what this product costs to MFG, but if Durex can find a way to keep it under $8, they’ll have a hard time keeping it on the shelf.

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At the risk of ruffling some feathers, I felt it was time to do a follow up article to “Top 10 sexual mistakes made by men”. However, this time we focus on the most common sexual blunders and faux pas made by women. Remember that it takes two to tango.  Communication, trust and sexual variety between partners are always the best ways to avert animosities in the bedroom.

The following is a Top 10 list of things for women to avoid when it comes to sex:

Click here to read entire article from original source.

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Jerry Seinfeld is reteaming with NBC for a reality show called “The Marriage Ref,” which will feature celebs, athletes and comedians giving advice to bickering married couples.  Not sure about the advice, but the show is sure to have all the key elements including plenty of drama.  If you’d like to be considered for the casting call, visit NBC.com for all the details…and good luck!

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Just as the Internet provides a level of disconnect where some people (especially celebrities) are no longer people, simply attractive targets, cheating by text message makes it easy to short-circuit accountability. The hands all over you are only yours, and there are no sweaty sheets or motel keys to manage; it’s the affair you can snap shut and drop in your purse.

Read more…

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Then don’t miss “A weekend with Midori” presented by Sagacity in Victoria, the weekend of July 24 & 25, 2009.  Midori is an educator and columnist on adventurous sexuality, she’s also the author of “The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage”, “Master Han’s Daughter” and “Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink”. Midori travels the world presenting to universities, education events, organizations and media.

I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting Midori, but I am familiar with her work, and her reputation speaks for itself.

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