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Posts Tagged ‘Sexually Adventurous’

consentToday, I attended a Consent Workshop by The Consent Crew. There were some interesting discussions amongst the attendees and organizers about some great topics.  I want to reiterate some of the points that I feel are most relevant based on my experiences over the past two decades.

IT’S OK TO SAY NO

How many of you are guilty of trying to giggle your way out of an uncomfortable situation just to be polite?  And how many of you have compromised your own boundaries just to wake up the next morning filled with regret?  Western cultural values have taught us to be excessively polite, but that shouldn’t be at the cost of your own personal boundaries.  If somebody is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say no.  And, although you don’t have to justify your reason for saying no, saying it in a way that is polite and respectful will go a long way towards diffusing what could become a confrontational situation over hurt feelings.  Here are some of my favourite ways to say no:

  • No thank you (smile on face).
  • Thanks for offering but not at this time.
  • I’m not into that, but thanks anyway.
  • You seem like a great person but I’m not interested. Thanks anyway.

 

IT’S OK TO HEAR NO

When you hear no, you may feel hurt, rejected and generally bad.  Why?  Because our culture has taught us that “no” is a bad word when in reality, “no” is just somebody’s way of expressing their own personal boundaries.  Usually, the no you are hearing has very little to do with you and everything to do with the person saying it.  Perhaps they are there for a different reason than you.  Maybe the timing is just off.  Or, it could be as simple as they like blonds, and you’re a brunette.  Whatever the reason, remind yourself…“getting a no is no big deal”.   Here are some of my favorite ways to respond gracefully to “no”:

  • I’m not hearing a clear yes so I’ll take that as a no.
  • No problem.
  • Thanks for letting me know. I appreciating knowing your boundary.
  • Thanks anyway.

 

GET CONSENT

Obvious right?  Easier said than done.  Consent is complicated.  Often, expectations surrounding consent are firmly rooted in cultural values, gender values, family values, or even the environment we are in at the time.  At Club Eden, the expectations are framed by the use of signage, marketing, and agreements.  This is a great foundation for consent.  But even with all of this, there is still room for interpretation based on an individual’s unique perspective formed over the course of a lifetime.  This is why it is also important to say no when you feel like your personal boundaries are being compromised.  In my experience, most people want to do the right thing and DON’T want to maliciously or deliberately compromise your boundaries.  They just don’t realize they are doing it.   Here is one of my favorite personal stories to reflect how cultural expectations can create a misalignment between boundaries:

While working in an office environment, one of the long term vendors and friends of the owner approached me saying “it’s nice to finally meet you”.  He then stepped in and gave me a hug and then a kiss on my left and right cheek.   My background is British and back then, I was a bit of a cold fish.  His background is South American and to not step in with a light hug and kiss on the cheeks would be considered an insult.  He didn’t get my consent but conversely, because of his cultural values, he didn’t think he had to.   This illustrates a great example of how easily consent boundaries can be accidentally crossed.

When at Eden, remember these four points to help you navigate consent:

  1. Play within the rules of the framework provided (signs, agreements, marketing messages).
  2. Politely say no when your boundaries are being crossed;
  3. Politely hear/accept no when somebody tells you.
  4. If your no is not being heard, then it’s ok to find the organizer or one of the staff to help you diffuse the situation.

When attending other sex positive events remember to familiarize yourself with their unique framework.

I hope this article helps you find your voice for consent.  Play safe, have fun and respect your own boundaries and the boundaries of others.

Eve, Founder of Club Eden and Co-author of Sex Get Over It

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If you’re looking to add a little sugar and a LOT of spice this Halloween, look no further than Perry Mann’s 30th annual Exotic Erotic Ball taking place at Cow Place in San Francisco October 23-24. 2009.

“It’s part Mardi Gras, part burlesque, and part rock concert, yet totally unique. The Exotic Erotic Ball is a celebration of human sexuality and freedom of expression. It’s a lingerie, fetish, masquerade affair.”

This weekend long extravaganza will feature some of North America’s most unique, alternative entertainers from go go dancers and burlesque acts to snake charmers, “shaving shows”, nympho twins and penis painters.

And for those looking to be the show rather than watch the show, be sure to RSVP for the Exotic Erotic Ball Official After Party where you might just be lucky enough to hob knob with some of the world’s most exotic models, porn stars, musicians, DJs and celebrities.

Tickets are a steal at only $59 for general admission and $125 for VIP tickets.  And if you book your flights through Allegiant Air, you might just be able to pull off this entire exotic weekend getaway for under $1000.00/couple.  Not a bad price for a little sugar and a LOT of spice…not to mention one hell of a sexy weekend adventure for two.

For more information and tickets, visit: www.exoticeroticball.com.

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Then don’t miss “A weekend with Midori” presented by Sagacity in Victoria, the weekend of July 24 & 25, 2009.  Midori is an educator and columnist on adventurous sexuality, she’s also the author of “The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage”, “Master Han’s Daughter” and “Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink”. Midori travels the world presenting to universities, education events, organizations and media.

I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting Midori, but I am familiar with her work, and her reputation speaks for itself.

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Without question one of the most popular fantasies amongst our readers is a threesome. For whatever reason, this is the fantasy that appears safest and easiest to comprehend and therefore the one many choose to explore first.

If you are looking to fulfill a Threesome fantasy, remember that it is possible that the play partner you’re interested in is attached to someone.  Convincing that fantasy partner to join you and your partner for a ménage-a-trois may be tricky business.  While there are couples that are OK playing apart or having different play opportunities, the last thing you want to do is make their partner feel like they aren’t good enough to participate or that they “just don’t do it” for you.

Before approaching a prospective threesome play partner, rehearse your “pick-up” lines first and ask yourself how you would feel if you were approached in this manner.  Remember to always focus on the positive/sexy aspects of what does work for you rather than pointing out what doesn’t work for you about the other person, or if you’re new to the scene, simply stick to the facts by communicating your limits and where you’re at.

Consider the following statements when negotiating a threesome fantasy:

(assume some flirting and conversation has already occurred to break the ice and you’re now ready to propose/negotiate your fantasy)

Statement A:
My partner and I are really turned on by you (looking at female partner) and would love to play together.   We’re just not sure we’re attracted to your partner.  Do you (female partner) want to go upstairs for a threesome?

Statement B:
My partner and I find you to be a very sexy couple.  We would love to head upstairs together, however, we’re not sure that we’re ready for a foursome quite yet.  We’re wondering whether or not the two of you play separately or only together?

In statement A, there is a good chance that you may offend the male partner and that he will feel excluded.
In statement B, there is a much better chance that both partners will feel included and sexy, plus, you are able to communicate your fantasy in a non-threatening way by asking about the other couple’s play styles.

If someone were to approach you and your partner for a threesome, which statement would you rather hear?  If you chose option A, then you’re on the road to creating a long list of offences.  If you chose option B, then you’re well on your way to fulfilling your fantasy of a threesome, and making new friends.  Just be sure to try this approach during your next encounter and of course…have fun!

Follow up feedback worth sharing…

We recently received the following additional suggestion from one of our readers and thought it was worth sharing.  Thanks NinjaCouple!

“I enjoyed your sex ed post regarding threesomes company… and Tricky Business. I wanted to provide some of my own possible advice as approaching someone inside a couple is difficult but I’ve successfully worked this situation before and think this tactic could help others out there. As you’ve stated, you don’t want to alienate or offend the fourth partner especially as it will generally ruin your ability to fulfill this fantasy. My recommendation would be to add a third way to approach this situation… when approaching someone who is part of a couple and only wanting the threesome for whatever reason I would suggest inviting that fourth person but to be an observer. Many times a foursome is enjoyable for some not just to play but watching their partner be pleasured… Why not invite them to watch their partner in a threesome fantasy show? This includes him, allows him to be in the room and near his partner and provide some added comfort while also not physically including the extra person until you’re ready for that experience. Just my thoughts on experiences I have had and some possible ways to improve the likelihood of fulfilling this fantasy.   Have a great night –NinjaCouple

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I’m not usually into ‘fruity flavoured’ lube so this was something relatively new for us.
The fruity smell is quite nice; not overpowering or fake smelling. It reminds me of suntan oil – very tropical.  Because of the smell it’s perfect for the planned romantic evening, but not so much for the discreet encounter.  The scent is a dead giveaway for the activity it is designed for.
I would say its middle of the road in terms of runniness…it’s not too much, and it’s not thick and gooey, which surprised me as many of the scented lubes I have used in the past were very sticky mainly due to the sugar used. This uses stevia for sweetness. Safe to safe it tastes nice as well.
Near the end of our session, we could’ve used a dab more, but overall it has good staying power. It didn’t leave me, or my partner feeling icky, sticky, and running for the shower.
One final note, I do like the ingredients – natural. I can read them, and pronounce them, and I know, more or less what they are. Horray for natural.
Overall, a nice lube that I would use again – for a special romantic evening.

3.5 out of  5
Review by The Goddess.

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